Dear Readers,
A February minestrone of Italian Connections: Amore and marriage proverbs in italiano and inglese: “Sposa bagnata, sposa fortunata” A wet bride is a lucky bride (referring to rain on the wedding day). “La buona moglie fa il buon marito” A good wife makes a good husband. “La moglie è la chiave di casa” The wife is the key of the house. “Tra moglie e marito... non mettere il dito” Don’t put a finger between wife and husband. “Moglie e buoi... dai paesi tuoi” Wife and bulls (are better) from your home-town, because it’s easier to do research or learn more about them.
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Aussie-Italian Humor: Marcello (now Marc) formerly a buttero (Italian cowboy) from the Maremma District of Italy near Tolfa, had immigrated to Texas many years ago. Now wealthy, he decided to visit some Aussie “cugini” who had settled in the Australian out-back. Marcello was bragging to every- one how much bigger and better things were in Texas. Suddenly, a kangaroo jumped in front of him. “What was that?” the startled Texan asked. The Aussie Italian leaned back and said, “You mean you don’t have grasshoppers in Texas?”
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An “ambasciate”, as the name suggests, is like an ambassador. In small towns and villages in Italy, well into the 1960’s, his mission was usually of a Romantic nature. Some refer to the “ambasciate” as “Marriage Brokers” but to me that implies they were in it to be paid and usually that was not the case. As a child, I remember my father saying that he had sent “un ambasciate” to my mother’s house several times before he got the green light, because my mother had an older, unmarried sister, and according to tradition, the younger girls had to wait their turn. Fortunately, my father was persistent because Mama’s older sister died at age 88, still unmarried.
Family folklore had it that my Aunt Antonetta had once been the village beauty. With her emerald green eyes and long red auburn hair, she could have been in pictures. Having so many choices, she wanted “uno fatto con il pennello” (“one made with the pen”) to special order “bello, ricco e nobile” or handsome, rich and noble, or of good family. Anyway, the “ambasciate” came and went. All received a big “no” for an answer. My father came along and decided to send a persuasive “ambasciate” to secure a “yes” response for Don Matteo’s younger daughter Caterina.
Although the dialects varied, you can certainly understand the con- nection of “imbasciatore” or “ambasciate” to our English word “ambassador.” Different name but same game, friendly persuasion. Back in the 1890’s, our forbearers treated marriage as a family decision. The parents expected to take an active role in the selection of spouses for their children. The “imbasciatore” (sometimes known as “lu ruffianu” in Sicilian) served the essential role of marriage broker.
Although money would change hands on occasion, the motivations of the imbasciatori went beyond mere monetary gain. Friends used as intermediates were a fairly common procedure, not only for clandestine contacts but also for the more proper arrangements between families. A friend both of the suitor and the girl’s family had obvious advantages as a spokeman. A successful ruffianu was foremost a good salesman. His task was to build up the assets – personal and economic – of both parties. He had to present his best side to the family, to inspire confidence and to persuade. “What a good man he is, a good worker without bad habits.”
Even a lackluster suitor had a fighting chance with a convinc- ing speaker in his corner. The ruffianu would get individuals married off who probably would not have had the opportunity to marry otherwise, at least not as well. A shy young man could be rescued from obscurity by an aggressive ruffianu. Working his magic, the ruffianu would move from one family to the other until he had forged an arrangement agreeable to all. The ruffianu served the role of cupid by recognizing a compatible pair and planting the right thoughts in their heads. By the time his work was com- pleted, the couple was all but “fidanzati”.
If complications prevented a proper marriage, the ruffianu might not hesitate to plan an elopement. Even when the parents took the responsibility of arranging the matrimony, an imbasciatore was often asked to assist by beginning the dialogue between the two families. Delicate manners required a neutral party. “La minuta” (the mar- riage contract) had to be negotiated because it contained a detailed listing of the dowry items. La minuta was often notarized, and the man’s material contribution to the marriage was also duly recorded.
Poor girls with no dowry often left the village and became mail-order brides by “procura”, a notarized marriage document, to Italian men in South Africa, Canada and the United States. Once the contract was signed, the next step would be taken. “Il promesso sposo” and his family would go to the house of “La promessa sposa” for the ceremony of “La conoscenza.” Everyone would join in a single room, exchange greetings and engage for several minutes in trivial conversation about the weather and crops.
Then the girl’s parents would rise and say, ”we have accepted the proposal from this family. This young man now enters into our home.” The young lady remains quiet. In all likelihood, what has just been announced comes as no surprise, for she had taken part in the process. Her future mother-in- law comes across the room for an embrace. Gifts are exchanged. The fidanzato kisses the hand of his fidanzata’s parents and in a deeply symbolic gesture, sits down with them.
The fidanzati are now committed to each other and to marriage at some future date. In regions like Sicily, the ziti, continue to be supervised until the wedding day. The engagement was a serious step for all involved. A broken engagement caused untold embarrassment to the families, created fresh gossip for the neighbors for years to come, stigmatized the fidanzata, and shattered the fidanzato. The serenade under the balcony of a loved one, gave the musical males a slight edge.
My father liked to sing, and decades later, “La Serenata” was a favorite memory my mother liked to share with her lady friends. Fathers would escort their nubile offspring through the streets of the village promoting them in the equivalent of a “coming out” party. A young man, with his friends, would follow a signorina home from the piazza to serenade her. If the family approved him, the door would open and an invitation to enter would be proffered. The parents’ strict criteria of suitability did not mean that the daughter had little or no freedom to choose her own.
The door opened to that young man with at least her implicit approval. Brothers protected sisters and felt an obligation to them. Sisters would give to older brothers the same respect given to their fathers, and a sister was influenced by her brother’s opinion regarding matters of heart. The brother, in turn, would willingly suffer hardship to guarantee that his sister marry well. Men went to America to earn money for the sole purpose of providing sisters with adequate dowries.
The dowry formed the foundation of the marriage’s capital assets. The dowry items could be the only assets that the marriage would ever have. Love in those days was a more mature emotion that flowered after marriage. The Italians put it this way: “Go to your marital bed, then affection will come. The bed produces the opportunity, and with children will come love.”
